I recently came across a paragraph what reminded me how awesome my friends are. Thanks to all of you... I love you guys.

One of the things that comes up, again and again, in sci-fi/fantasy, is the notion of connectedness, the family you make. It is a thread that runs from Star Wars to Babylon 5, from Doctor Who to Buffy. In every case, teens or adults, generally without close blood family, come together under difficult circumstances, find their strength and their power together, and forge a Family of Choice.

Often, in life, the families we forge in adulthood serve us and support us better than our blood families ever could, and this is merely writ large in science fiction. It is the unique mix of talents, personalities, and circumstances, that makes a sci-fi team so much more magnificent than a single hero, and something so many geeks aspire to. After all, if you could find, not a single person that compliments you, but a whole group that elevates each other, and that loves you as much as you love them, what more could you ask for?

I had to move up my testing date to today. I had it scheduled for three weeks from now, but due to work schedule and needing my license sooner rather than later. . .

Orientation the past week was pretty boring. There are two things that were slightly unexpected and annoying. Having to move up my testing date, and not having enough time at work to get in all the required testing and paperwork the hospital needed. Once the main hospital orientation was done, they split us into groups based upon where you were going to be in the hospital. I am in the intensive care group. It turns out that 90 percent of the people who have been hired for intensive care had already been working at Bayview for intensive care as techs. They already had most of the required testing and paperwork done. Because of this, they were talking and generally being bored while the very few of us tried desperately to complete everything. So, the instructors cut this time short, but made it abundantly clear that we were responsible for having this work done.

So, Friday night when I get home, I am almost ready to cry. I have a ton of hospital stuff to work on, plus I hadn't started studying for the licensing exam. Most people tend to take three months to study for the NCLEX; I was planning on studying three weeks. That certainly didn't work out. But, to make matters worse, I try to log on to the intraweb from home and it doesn't work. I am totally freaking out at this point. Thank goodness ceri_blue was coming over. I would not have been able to get into what I needed without her.

I am glad for the way the intensive care people are doing their training. For at least the first six weeks, I am going to be “out of the numbers, “ which means I will not have a direct patient assignment. They want us to be able to drop whatever it is that we are doing and go watch and learn things as they happen (for instance, go work on a code or watch an urgent cardiac catheterization when someone is in the middle of a MI). We also have lectures every Tuesday on the different body systems and how they relate to the ICU. This is a great thing considering my school only really trained us to be ready for a regular medical-surgical floor. We'll be learning much more involved pathophysiology and the specialized equipment we need. The rest of my days will be working with a preceptor, who will show us hands-on skills that we just learned about in lecture that week. We rotate preceptors every two weeks and go through all the ICUs in this stage, which takes me through the middle of October.

Each week, my schedule is something completely different. I, for these first six weeks, seem to be working four days a week: two 12 hour and two 8 hour shifts. The days these fall on are alternating. The only consistency is Tuesday, with every other week being 8 or 12 hours. I won't be starting nights until after this training is over. That's both a good thing, and a bad thing. It's a good thing because more things are happening and there are more people working during the day. It is a bad thing because I really don't do well first thing in the morning. I would so much rather be asleep at 8:00am than already being at work for an hour and a half. I guess I'm going to have to get used to doing all shifts anyway. Even on straight nights, they make you do an “off shift” twice every six weeks.

My first twelve hour starts tomorrow, which is why I had to schedule my NCLEX for today. They need us to be licensed by the time we do any assessments or give medications to anyone. I guess I'll be playing with equipment and computers for the first few days.

So, I started my new job today.

My stomach was crazy upset this morning. I was rushing to get to work because I woke up a few minutes late, and my stomach says, “Oh, no, you don’t. You have to take care of me first.” So after not one, but three trips to the bathroom before I leave the house, I figure I’m ok to make it out to work before I have to go again. I SPEED down the highway, and finally make it, but that was not the start to the day I wanted.

The rest of the day was much better. I spent it in hospital orientation with all the other newbs from every department. They gave us a history lesson on how Bayview came to be and why its so awesome. Did you know the only reason that it’s there is because it was illegal for Johns Hopkins to marry his first cousin and so he didn’t have any kids? The things you learn…heh. They gave us a two and a half hour lecture and twenty page booklet on service excellence. Of course, they’re right, most people can’t rate the hospital on it’s clinical skills, so they do it on things they know: food, cleanliness, and relationships. The rest of the day we spent on diversity training, a campus tour, and signing up for various necessities like parking (ugh, gotta pay?), badges, aflac, and the credit union. We met our managers for lunch in a conference room around noon, (the sandwiches weren’t too bad!), and it was good to find out what to expect for the rest of the week from them (god, I am such a schedule-needing person; it’s terrible sometimes).

Looks like I’m headed for more hospital orientation tomorrow, then Wednesday and Thursday is nursing orientation, then finally to my unit, the Medical Intensive Care Unit, on Friday. As a side note, I found one of my classmates at orientation, she’ll be working on Med B. It was neat to see someone there I knew.

I'm still nervous about this nursing thing. I know I shouldn't be, because as I've been reminded recently, now I'll just be getting paid to be doing what I have been for the past two years. But, you have to admit, it's always a least a little nerve-wracking going into something new. It's even more so when you don't have the luxury of saying, "I'm just a student" should something go wrong. And in my line of work, that 'something going wrong' could be the cause of someone's death.

For some unknown reason, I've been having a lot of anxiety recently, which has even led to panic attacks. I'd never had anything like that happen before. Let me tell you, it was really scary. I got very dizzy with a pounding headache, my heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest, and I felt like I was going to die. I had to immediately stop whatever I was doing and go sit down. When someone took my blood pressure, it was 170/110. For those of you who don't know about blood pressures, that's pretty darn high. I lived through it just fine, but am still pretty anxious, upset, panicky, high-strung-all the above. So, I NEED to calm down. The other night at FND, I mentioned in passing to evaesthetic that I was having some problems and that if she had any ideas to let me know. What she replied with was such good advice, I had to post it to remind myself to do these things, and also get them out there for anyone else who might be having a slightly stressful situation and needs to calm down a bit.



Unfortunately, dealing with this condition without drugs all boils
down to what I like to refer to as an "attempt to disbelieve", named
after the eponymous maneuver in D&D. In D&D, it's a will-based roll
to banish illusion, which I find a particularly apt analogy. There
are many tricks to help out with that, but you mostly have to remember
that that's what you're doing - Banishing the illusion that your mind
is throwing at you, the illusion that you're in a crisis situation.
Eventually, just thinking about it that way is helpful, if not
completely adequate to get out of a severe attack.

That being said, here are a few helpful hints for limiting your
symptoms. I'm just going to give you a list of everything I can think
of, even if I don't think they'll work for you.

1. Give up or cut down on caffeine intake. This is one of the ones
I'm not sure will work for you, but as you know, caffeine is a
stimulant and can exacerbate symptoms of panic, such as racing heart,
jitters, etc. I know caffeine is an important part of your survival
methods, but maybe keeping a balance in mind wouldn't hurt for a
little while.

2. If you can, reduce stress elsewhere in your life. I don't know
what your domestic arrangements are like, but see if you can't talk
with Kev and get him to pick up some of your tasks at home. He's a
great guy, and if you explain that you just need extra help for a
little while, I'm sure you can work something out. It may be as
simple as getting him to pack a lunch for you the night before, but
sometimes, trimming slightly around the edges can bring down your
baseline stress level enough so anxiety is less frequently triggered.
Also, with the holiday season coming up, plan serious breaks for
yourself to do NOTHING. If you need to explain to friends and family
that you can't attend as many events, or for quite as long this year,
again, I'm sure they'll understand. Oh, and unless you find it a
stress-reducing activity, make Kev do all your shoppings. I'd also be
happy to help with whatever I can.

3. "Happy Place". If I were you, I'd think of the most relaxing place
for a weekend/long weekend getaway, then plan to do that as soon as
you're done with school. Then, whenever you feel overwhelmed, you
stop what you're doing, and picture yourself there. Sleeping, lying
on a beach, curled up in an armchair reading in some quaint camping
lodge - You'll deserve it, and truly visualizing yourself there can
relax you, if you work at it a bit.

4. ONE EXCELLENT THING A DAY. Once a day, like in the evening,
promise yourself a treat and the time it takes to enjoy it. Then
faithfully give it to yourself. Maybe you get a really good mug of
hot chocolate, or half an hour of reading something fun - Whatever you
would most enjoy, that would lift your spirits, something you can look
forward to every day. A good one for a girl with little time is to
treat yourself to a box of Godiva chocolates, and truly savor one a
night. Like the happy place, you can picture yourself there during
the day when you need a pick-me-up, and tell yourself you can
definitely survive the few hours until you get to that moment.
Remeber, this is all about getting through it it - there are no real
shortcuts.

5. Breathing and meditation. These are excellent stressbusters, if
you can get yourself to do them. They can also serve as first aid for
a panic attack. Of course, you know to employ steady, deep breathing
when you feel panicked. Breathing slowly and deeply can bring down
your heart rate, and it gets easier with practice. Remember, anxiety
is a condition that feeds on itself. Start fixing one symptom, and it
can bring you back into balance and out of crisis. I particularly
like a particular practice from yoga known as "alternate nostril
breathing". You make a fist with your right hand, then extend your
thumb and last 2 fingers (pinky and ring), bringing your hand to your
face and placing your thumb on one side of your nose and your fingers
on the other. Closing off your right nostril, breathe out through
your left. Then inhale from the left, briefly hold your breath, and
close off your left nostril, exhaling through the right. Inhale
through the right, and so on. End with an exhale to the right. This
practice is supposed to bring your prana into balance, and can lower
blood pressure and heart rate within a few minutes. It would be good
to practice some deep breathing daily, without making that something
else to stress out about. If meditation is something that helps, you
can try that, too.

The main trick is just to convince yourself that you're OK. It's just
a whole buttload harder than it seems like it should be. And of
course, you can call me any time and I'd be happy to speak calming
words, or whatever you need. I hope some of this is helpful, and I
hope you feel better soon. You are amazing in my book already, and
we're all here pulling for you. I know that you can do this, and I'm
happy to help out with whatever you need.




Thanks, evaesthetic!!!

Every time I go onto the psych unit, I fear for my life. Now I know I'm not in any REAL danger what with all the people around, but it still makes me a little freaked out that we're all just walking around, sitting next to, and talking with true homicidal maniacs. Take one of my most recent conversations for instance.


“D” is a middle-aged African American man, 6 foot 10 inches, over 500 lbs. He is sitting in a chair in the day room, the one closest to the air conditioner. His eyes are very intense, boring into you, almost staring, and I can't seem to tell the emotion that they portray- it could be curiosity or hatred, or both. He has two gowns on, the one underneath with the opening to the back and then another over top that one as more of a robe, to cover his backside. He's got the hospital slippers/rubber bottom booties on his feet. I'm actually surprised they had large enough clothes to fit him. He is just sitting there quietly, watching everyone, but his hand and fingers are fidgeting and shaking. I notice his ankles keep moving side to side as I sit down at the table diagonally from him. He answers all of my questions with a flat affect, portraying no emotion, not smiling or laughing, or frowning or crying. At a few pauses in the conversation, he mumbled prime numbers in order to 19. He is matter of fact, no wavering on what the answers are. The answers he gives are generally a few words, with sometimes a few sentences if he is especially prolific at the moment. "Hello, I'm _______ a nursing student. What's your name?"

“D”

"You look kind of tired, D. Did you not get much sleep last night?"

“No, Came in here late last night.”

"So, you came in last night, why did you come in?"

"Hit somebody. Hit him 19 times." His hands continue to twitch and his gaze remains direct.

"Tell me about the events that happened before you hit somebody." I look away from his gaze for a moment to try to appear not threatening.

"He broke the rules."

"Who broke what rules?"

"The caretaker's brother at the house." He slides his feet back and forth under the table.

"So what did he do?"

His fingers twitch faster at the question. "He got some food. You can't go into the fridge. That's the rule."

"The rule of the house? Is it the caretaker's duty to make sure everyone follows the rules of the house? Who makes sure everyone follows the rules?"

"It's the rule of the house. The rules are supposed to be for everyone, no matter who they are." His feet now twitch faster as well. "They apply to everyone equally."

"How did it make you feel when this person broke the rules?"

"It made me angry." He murmurs under his breath. "1, 2, 3, 5, 7."

"Have there been other times when you've been angry? Tell me about what happened the last time you got angry."

"He broke the rules so I stabbed him seventeen times."

"You stabbed him seventeen times? What rule was it that he broke?"

"I don't remember. It was something horrible. Something he wasn't supposed to do. I warned him not to do it. I’m sorry he is not dead, and only paralyzed."

"Have there been other times that you can remember when you've been angry? Do you get angry a lot?"

"Yeah, there have been a few other times. I don't get angry much. Just when people break the rules."

"What do you do when you get angry?"

"I bite down on my anger." The twitching slows a little.

"Then what happens?"

"Then I control it."

"What happens when you can't control your anger?"

"I hurt them for breaking the rules." His twitching begins to grow more pronounced again.

"What was the difference between this last time when you couldn't control your anger and the time before? You stabbed the one previously for breaking the rules and beat up this one. Is there a difference?"

"This time, he was a good guy so I didn't really want to hurt him."

"How was he a good guy?"

"He wasn't like the last one."

"How was he not like the last one?"

"He didn't lie or steal."

"Did the one you stabbed lie to you or steal something of yours?"

"I don't remember."

"But the person you hit before the police came to bring you here, he didn't lie or steal?"

"No, he didn't."

"So, does not lying or stealing make him a 'good person'?"

"Yes, you need to follow the rules- no lying, cheating, stealing, or wanting someone else's stuff."

"Are those the only rules? What are the other rules you need to follow?"

"No cussing, and worship only God, Jesus, and the holy spirit."

"Who taught you these rules?"

"I don't remember."

"Going into the refrigerator does not seem to be one of the rules you told me. What rule did he break by going into the fridge?"

"I stopped him before he broke the rule."

"I understand." Silence-I sit there for a while wondering if he is going to speak again.

"11, 13, 17, 19."

"Are those numbers important to you?"

-No response, just staring.

"It looks like they are starting a group meeting. Let's go sit over there." I stand up and motion him to join me.

He takes a minute, but eventually stands to follow me to the group.

Edit: It was pointed out to me that I forgot to provide a link. Here it is: http://www.twinrose.net/dandchar.php

You Are A:

True Neutral Elf Barbarian

Alignment:
True Neutral characters are very rare. They believe that balance is the most important thing, and will not side with any other force. They will do whatever is necessary to preserve that balance, even if it means switching allegiances suddenly.

Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Barbarians live outside the 'civilized' They have tribal goverments, and are often nomads. What they may lack in refinement is balanced by there strength of individual character and ability to survive.

Secondary Class:


Detailed Results:

Alignment:
Law and Chaos:
Law ----- XXXXX (5)
Neutral - XXXXXXX (7)
Chaos --- XXX (3)

Good and Evil:
Good ---- XXX (3)
Neutral - XXXXX (5)
Evil ---- XX (2)

Race:
Human ---- XXXXXXXXXXX (11)
Half-Elf - XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Elf ------ XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Gnome ---- XXXXXXX (7)
Halfling - XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Dwarf ---- XXX (3)
Half-Orc - XX (2)

Class:
Fighter -- XXXXX (5)
Barbarian -XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Ranger --- XXXXXXXX (8)
Monk ----- XX (2)
Paladin -- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Cleric --- XXXXX (5)
Mage ----- XX (2)
Druid ---- XXXXXXXX (8)
Thief ---- (-4)
Bard ----- XXXXXXX (7)


©PHP Test by Twin Rose Softare

©Original Design: Silver Key, 2002

Ok, so the game went longer than it should have. I didn't get part of the math and it still seems like cheating to call someone else the traitor when you are if there is a remote chance of the game going the other way so that good can win. I didn't want to be too helpful, but also not overwhelmingly obvious that I wasn't helping, so I went with something I'm decent at- seeming distracted. That part worked at least. This was the second time playing Shadows over Camelot, and it seems the traitor has it a little too easy if he just calls out someone. I don't know; I'll give it another shot to see how someone else runs the traitor.

I got whored at Blokus. wmtrainguy has got that abstract shape fitting kind of mind where it just seemed to flow. Some amazing plays that pretty much completely blocked most of the board from my path. Kudos! Architekton is ok. Not great, just ok. A little too Carcassonne-esque, but fun nonetheless.

It was good to have people over when I didn't need to kick them out at 10:30pm for a change. We had good food, and great berries and cheesecake, with some extra cheesecake thrown in for good measure from sapphireblue and pookah :)Thank you!

shoggoth1 has started me down the path to looking at the Progenitors from the old Mage. I need to remind myself to raid his library some point during the next few weeks. Mad props for dropping by Legends and checking my box! New Buffy for the win.

I have to say ugh for the recent friend drama. You know what I'm talking about. Just realize things got miscommunicated, discombobulated, and BE FRIENDS. I know, I know, I wasn't involved, but I love all of you and don't like things complicated.

deathquaker has canceled the cannoli-off for birthday celebrations this week. I can understand; way too much planning involved, but we really ought to work on that at some point.

We've got Ikaros birthday celebrations for lunch tomorrow; can't sleep in too late, but I'm still a little too awake for sleep right now. I should at least try to rest. Night all.

Blue Man Group was amazing. You walk into a warehouse-type feel theatre with open pipes and wires. While you're sitting there, an old time digital monitor scrolls words across the screen in French, Italian, and English to turn off your cell phones and not use photgraphy or they will be forced to use their ejector seats. There is a voice coming from one of the pipes along the wall asking you to clap if you can hear him or tie the headband they provided in a certain way. The digital scrolling words started changing to include audience participation, including rounds of applause for the Olympic gold medalist for women's curling, a human geneticist, birthday people, and an average guy. Three blue men then come out on the stage, take off space helmets and rip out some awesome beats on some huge drums. They look around as if seeing the world for the first time and break open bottles of paint. So, I thought, THAT must have been part of the reason why they had their first five rows of audience wear ponchos. They made arcs of paint fly through the air as they poured more and more paint onto the drums. This was just the first few minutes of the show. The story wasn't all done with paint; they used pipes, marshmallows, twinkies, shaving cream, all kinds of unique props to get the point across. A gigantic window lowered down from the ceiling and each blue man spread shaving cream across the entire window to allow this just created white background to project a movie of relationships and connectivity. They brought audience members to the stage and without words made one a part of the story of just being a part of the crowd and sharing with others, dressed another in a jumpsuit and helmet, strung him up by his feet, painted him and slapped him across a massive canvas as part of a message of art capturing the soul, the moment, and the emotion of being. Some of the visuals of this show were so trippy I thought I was *actually* on hallucinogens, especially toward the end, something very hard to do for me. I know I am not even coming close to doing this show justice- if you have not seen them, you absolutely, positively have no clue what you are missing.

At this point each of us had been up for 20+ hours, either running 20 miles or driving for 300 miles that morning and decided to take the rest of the evening easy, and went back home for a quiet evening of popcorn and movies. dasquish fell asleep right away so we got to point and make fun of him until we decided to crash too. I have to say we weren't far behind. :)

The next morning was lazy and we headed out for a fabulous brunch at 7A cafe. I got brioche french toast with rum butter and bananas and VEGETARIAN sausage. I could not believe a regular cafe had vegetarian sausage, then I looked around, saw all the piercings, free spirits, and the sign for the organic eggs and realized we were in the Village. It all made sense after that. I suddenly had a flashback to hanging out before the show the night before of a very bad transvestite. He was standing in front of Starbucks, strutting in high heels, long guys shorts to the knees, wore a hat and had a goatee, but the part that had me fascinated was him fussing with what must have been lemons for boobs, but they kept falling and he kept readjusting them. I stared at this trainwreck for what seemed hours, this image of a chinese man in heels and falling lemon tits. No one in the Village came even close to this.

I have not walked so much in ages. My feet and legs were killing me. Shins and sides burning. And I was not the one who said we needed to hail a cab. :P

Bodies was a work of art. It was beautiful, made my jaw drop open more than once, and made me come close to crying with humility and awe. I understand so much more about us for having seen this exhibit. I don't want to go into further detail on this in case some of you want to see the exhibit in DC and don't want it spoiled.

What a trip.

The trip started EARLY, but not as early as it should have. We were out the door by 6:45am and should have left at least an hour earlier. Then we couldn't find the address we were going to because of a detour that dropped us on the other side of the city. We got within a block or two found a garage and proceeded to walk for a few blocks in the wrong direction carrying all our stuff with pillows prominently displayed and people yelling at us to stop for a nap.

Finally, we find K's place, drop our stuff and realize that if we don't get to the ticket booth within about 10 minutes, we weren't going to be able to catch a matinee. All worked out and I took dasquish to see Avenue Q. He'd heard it but never seen it, and I've never seen any live show more than once. I tell you, I never knew how much shows actually changed. I mean, I figured a little more inflection here, a slip of the wording of a line there, not entire scene additions or deletions. It was really interesting. Overall, I think the one I saw two years ago was better, but the Bad Idea Bears and Trekkie Monster characters had definitely blossomed. I was very sad with the choice of actress for Kate Monster, mostly because she was not a great puppeteer, which you definitely need in this show. She kept holding Kate behind her head, in the background so you focused on the actress' face instead of the puppet. Still great songs, great voices, and I think this group had better comedic timing- a true feat indeed.

We get to meet up with K finally after she's finished her -no joke- 20 mile run that morning. Crazy impressive, isn't it? Had a great lunch over at Lemongrass, a Thai restaurant and went home relax for an hour before heading back out. It was at this point it started to sink in that although we're great friends from long ago, we don't really have that much to talk about. I'd been doing a lot of thinking about that. I think it was because back in summer camp we were the smartest people around and liked to make fun of the others. We also were the leaders of the expeditions to the boys' bunks and out to the abandoned houses far out in the woods in the middle of the night. We, I guess you could say, were the ringleaders of the adventurous types. But we're at different points in our lives now- she's looking for a relationship, I'm trying to solidify a career; she's into hardcore exercise games, I'm into hardcore board games. I still love her to death; it just made me a little sad to realize we don't connect like that any more. But, after catching up a bit on both of our lives, we were off to Blue Man Group! (stay tuned for more on the New York trip tomorrow)

Grades posted! I passed horrible teacher's class! Don't have to ever see her again! And now, six weeks of NO SCHOOL.